


Open your Heart

by AlexanderTemple



Category: Original Work
Genre: Blogging, mind, thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:22:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21616000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexanderTemple/pseuds/AlexanderTemple
Summary: This is a collection of my thoughts on various things. In a way, it is a personal glimpse of what goes on in my head.There are also some background on the stories I wrote and why I wrote themThis is very personal as I am opening my mind, as dangerous as that can be





	1. Open your Heart

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a great Madonna fan. I never met her and she would most likely never want to meet me or even be a friend, but that does not matter. I have been a fan since her first album. I was a fan before her first hit. Decades later, this has not become less. I confess Madonna is an important part of my life.

What I found out about Madonna, is that people love her, love to hate her or hate to love her. Some people think she has talent while other people think she has none. The fact is that Madonna is the best selling female of all time, and this is amazing when you consider her competition! There are so many female artists with a better voice and yet Madonna is the most successful. She is on the same level as Elvis or the Beatles. It makes no difference what you think of Madonna or her music, you would have to accept that she has the throne as the Queen of Pop.

There are many that say she no longer is relevant. The youth of 2019 does not have her as their favorite. Her last few albums have flopped and it is a long time since she had a hit in the charts. It would be too early to write off Madonna. She has had comebacks before and she can sell more tickets for concerts than anyone else. The fact is that if Madonna never had a hit again, she does not need to. It is estimated that her net worth is 590 million dollars while she grossed more than 1 billion dollars in her career.

Just as I was about to enter my teenage years, my brother moved to the USA. He sent me a Christmas present (the only one I ever got from him!). It was a Madonna tape of her first album. I lived in Ireland and Madonna was not even known at this stage. This tape and Madonna was new for me. I listened to the tape and thought it was good. It was not great, but it was good. I did like the song “holiday”, but otherwise I suspected it would be a tape I soon would forget. I was not a Madonna fan yet. In fact, I still consider Madonna's first album to be her worse. Yes, I know so many disagree with me about this!

Then one day in late 1984, a new Madonna song came on the radio. I saved it to a blank tape I had. The song was called “Like a Virgin”. Coming from a conservative Catholic country, my first reaction was can she sing about that? This song changed my life. There was something about it that touched me. I listened to it over and over, and this got me in trouble, as I was late at school. I was now a Madonna fan. The sound of the Like a Virgin album was so happy. It was so fresh at that time, and I loved the way her voice was. It had a charming weakness to it, and at times it was pushed to its limits.

“True Blue” was the album that cemented me as a Madonna fan. This was Madonna at her best and the music was outstanding. Songs like “Papa don't Preach” and “Open your heart” are still classics. It was also when Madonna changed her image. She was now a modern version of Marilyn Monroe. This must be the one album in my life that I heard the most. I listened to it over and over. Even my Dad liked it!

I knew I was a Madonna fan, but I also quickly realized that no one else was. My brother was like most other boys that I knew. He was a U2 fan. I did not feel lonely because no one would admit they liked Madonna, it made me feel special. I knew that some people must have liked her, as she was having so many hits! While my brother played his U2 tapes as high as he could and criticized Madonna saying she would be forgotten in a year. I stood up for her insisting that the quality of her music was better. I would turn my tape recorder up, so it would drown his U2 music.

It was not only Madonna's music. It was also her personality or what she shown through her videos. My childhood was not easy and many would consider it a nightmare. I was the victim of abuse and I kept this a secret from my family. It was like I was two people. The good Catholic son and on the other hand, the cute boy that let men abuse him. I wonder why I did not go insane. Looking back, it was the music of Madonna that cheered me up and it was the music of Madonna that gave me the courage to survive.

Later when I went to a boarding school, I was teased a lot because I looked so feminine. I did my best to fit in, but life in the first few months was hell. One weekend, when I came home and was listening to Madonna, I decided to “control” the way people thought of me. So when I was home for the weekend, I bought a denim coat that my secret self earned and went through my mom's old jewelry box and “loaned” all the chains and some of the crosses she had. Then I used some safety pins to cover the denim coat with chains and crosses.

Everyone was surprised at the image change. It didn't stop the teasing or the bullying, but it showed other people I would not hide in a hole and be a victim. I tried being a victim in other areas of my life. Now I wanted to take control of my life and decide who I was. This was the influence of Madonna. People tried telling her she was a one-hit-wonder, slept her way to fame and whatnot. Madonna did not listen to them and did what she wanted.

When I left school, I wanted to be a monk. However, they told me that I would have to give up all my material goods and this included my Madonna collection. I was not going to do this, so I studied to be a priest, where I could keep my collection.

Studying to be a priest and being a Madonna fan was not easy. The older priests could not see how much I identified myself with Madonna and how much her music helped me through the abusive years. They considered her as a sexual provocateur that used her body to sell music. The funny thing is my spiritual leader loved Elvis, so I had to remind him that Elvis was censored on TV once for shaking his hips.

I have no excuse when I entered a talent show with others that studied to be a priest. I mimed along to “Like a Virgin” while dancing in a provocative way. It got me in a whole lot of better. I did it to provoke the older priests. They lived a sorrowful life. Some drank too much while some ate too much. Others even tried to get me in their bed! I wanted to tell them to enjoy life and basically not be stuck up. What can I say? I was young and naïve.

The fact is that Madonna's music has followed me through my life. At times it helped me. It helped me survive abuse and bullying and when I got married, it would help me listen to one of her ballads which made me calm down after we had a fight.

It's funny to think that when I hear a Madonna song, it can remind me of a time in my life.

So why does Madonna mean so much to so many? If we were honest with ourselves, we must admit that she does not have the best voice. Madonna does not have the vocal range such as singers like Mariah Carey or Whitney. Another thing about Madonna is that she is beautiful, but again nothing special. Maybe it is this that makes Madonna so popular. She used what she had and although it had limitations, she made the best out of it. Madonna is as normal as anyone and achieved what she wanted.

One cannot just pin Madonna's success on her ability to cause controversy and her sexuality. One must also admit that Madonna has had great music. This generally why I am a fan. If you peel everything away and just listen to her music, you will hear some classics. Songs like Like a Virgin, Into the groove, Material Girl, Dress you up, Live to tell, Papa don't preach, Open your heart... The list can go on and on. Madonnas music has always been happy music and music you can dance to. It is music that puts you in a great mood.

When you ask people, they admit that they like Madonna's music from the 80s. This is understandable. Madonna was at her height in the late 80s and 90s. She had hits in other decades, but her earlier hits are the ones that people remember. One reason for this is Madonna had some great hits with two men called Bray and Leonard. These two men wrote songs that were groundbreaking and top quality. They were new and had a special Madonna sound.

Madonna tried to follow the times, and she slowly used other producers that gave her music a new modern touch. This kept her relevant as she explored more types of music. It also resulted in what many consider her best albums, Ray of Light and Confessions on a dance floor.

Then Madonna made what many consider a mistake. Madonna hired the most popular and most expensive producers. Maybe she thought that they made hits for others, so why not her. Maybe she just admired them and wanted to work with them. The result backfired and people thought she was buying her way to keep at the top. The fact is that the songs sounded like most other songs on the radio. Madonna was no longer showing the way she did earlier in her career. She was following trends.

One reason why Madonna was such a success is that she was good at seeing what was happening in the clubs and underground. An example of this was Vogue. Madonna did not invent this dance. It was popular in the gay club scene at the time. Madonna borrowed this and made it her own and made it mainstream. One reason why many musicians fade away is their music never develops. Madonna has done her best to try new things and surprise her fans.

Madonna's personality also has a good deal to do with her success. She has huge ambitions and is a hard worker. Madonna also controlled her career, which is unlike others. This control has meant she could decide in which way her career went, One thing that Madonna hates doing is not to repeat a success. I am not sure record company executives would have agreed with this. We have seen many examples of popstars that try to repeat a success only to fade away.

One thing that impresses me is one can follow Madonna's progress as a human being. At the start, Madonna was a party girl that liked having fun and provoking people. Things really changed when Madonna had her first child. She admitted herself that she could no longer just think of herself. As the years went on, we saw Madonna become more political. It upset her when she has seen human rights infringements. Madonna used her concerts to preach tolerance and respect. It is interesting to see how Madonna grew as a person.

I remember once that I was driving with my father. He was listening to Madonna's True Blue album. His only comment was that Madonna was a good businesswoman. This must be true. The fact that she was in total control of her career meant that she had some business knowledge. When Madonna released her “Music” album, record company executives did not want her to release “don't tell me” as a single. It was a pop-country song and they thought it would flop. The song was a huge hit.

Madonna also re-invented herself so many times. It was like she was a new person with every album she released. She was always fashionable and knew what would work and what would not work.

Let's face it, Madonna also caused controversy. It is like at times, she knew how to use the press to bring attention to her latest project. Mostly this provocation helped her, but at times Madonna went too far. When she released a book called “Sex” which was full of erotic pictures, Madonna went too far. It didn't help that she cursed several times on the Letterman show. Madonna's career was in danger and most thought she could not survive it. Madonna did not apologize. She even wrote a song that said she would not apologize. “Human Nature” remains a favorite song with the fans.

So the question is what now. Madonna is getting old. She is 61. I do not think she likes getting old. Most likely she has had some operations and what not to try to stay young. She blames her falling album sales in the fact that she has become old. This could be true. She cannot blame teenagers or young people. They are fans of the artists that have recently had success. They follow the younger ones.

If you ask me, if Madonna wants to have some success and glory, she must accept that she is now over 60 and age with grace. Annie Lennox has managed to do this with a huge success. I think that many young people are disgusted when they see a 60-year-old woman dress in leotards and trying to be sexual. This means that Madonna is seen by many now as being desperate.

As I said, Madonna has nothing else to prove. She has done what she set out to do. Her largest problem now is that she is a living legend, and it must be hard for her to know that her new albums do not sell as they once did. She still releases great songs, but as I said the young people are fans of younger artists.

I sometimes think that Madonna has bad advisors. Her performance in the 2019 Eurovision song contest was a good example. She really failed to impress there as she sang all the wrong notes at the show. When she released the first single from “Madam X”, fans were disappointed. It was not anything they could dance to.

So after all this writing, we can see that Madonna is a legend. However, she has shown her human side. Her success and failures are public, so we continue to follow her as she is like a big sister for us.

I get asked two questions as a Madonna fan

What is my favorite Madonna song? The answer is “Borderline”

Do I think she should retire? The answer is of course not. Fans should not expect that Madonna tops the charts and sells millions of albums. Let her have fun in what she does.

That is something we can learn. We should all use our lives to be better people and have fun at what we do.

**In the next part of “Open your Heart”. I will tell my thoughts about Christmas**

**You are free to like this, comment it, bookmark it or send me a message.**

**Thank you**


	2. Bah! Humbug!

I am not afraid to say it. Christmas is all humbug and the time of the year I just want to get over with. You are right when you think I have become an old grumpy man at Christmas, that would rather hide in my little private place and watch as Christmas passes and we can get back to normality.

It has not always been like this.

As a child, I loved Christmas. This was my parent's fault. They remembered what Christmas was all about. As a child, I believed in Santa Clause and Christmas decorations and presents, but I was taught that the main celebration was the birth of Jesus. The commercial Christmas as we know it was just an extra part of this. If we did not celebrate Jesus, then there would be no Christmas.

My mother loved decorating the house, so we spent the first week of December decorating a huge Christmas tree and filling the house with Christmas decorations. My mom insisted that the decorations that we made at school or at home were in prominent places. The most special decoration was the nativity scene at the bottom of the Christmas tree, which showed the stable where Jesus was born. I could stare at this for a long time. The animals and the shepherds and the wise men, as well as Mary and Joseph, were waiting for the birth of Jesus. The baby Jesus was not there. He appeared every Christmas morning.

We would also write long letters to Santa. My mother would throw shop catalogs on the floor and ask us to write a list. Our lists were very long as we wrote everything that was in the catalog. My mom and dad would sigh when they saw my list and tell that they would be happy to get an orange in their stocking when they were children.

Another major event at Christmas was when we visited Santa at the mall. This was always a scary experience for me, as I had nightmares of Santa with a beard that was falling off him. I quickly could see that some of these Santas were imposters, as Santa could not be at every mall at one time. The fact was that seeing Santa was a duty for me as I did not like it. The long waiting times and then when we finally sat on his lap, he would ask what we wanted for Christmas. Did he not read that long letter I wrote to him? I decided at a young age that I only wanted to sit on the real lap of Santa, not an imposter where you could see he had a fake beard.

On Christmas eve, my dad would take us downtown and give us some money. We would buy some presents for our mother. So my brothers and I would rush around and see who could get the best present. The town would be full of people, many in a panic to buy the presents that they needed. It was a special atmosphere and one that would make me smile. We would use half the money on a present for my mother. She had enough perfume and bath salts for several lifetimes. Then my brothers and I would but candy and sit and watch all the people rushing around. A lot of them were husbands trying to find a present for their wives before it was too late.

The best experience at Christmas was midnight mass. We were tired and could hardly stay awake, but this mass was very special. We each held a candle and sang Christmas songs. The atmosphere was one of a celebration and everyone was so happy. It made me wonder why every mass could not have the same atmosphere. I loved singing Christmas songs. “Silent night”, “oh come Emanuel” and “Oh Holy Night” was my favorite songs. No Christmas was complete without these!

When we came home, We would find that Santa was there and drank his milk and ate the few cookies we left out. The Baby Jesus would also be in the manger showing that Christmas finally came.

We would have to wait until the next morning to open our presents. This was a challenge for us, as we did not have patience. However, we went to bed and hardly slept waiting for sunlight to come. When it did, we all rushed into our parent's room and made so much noise until they reluctantly would wake up. Then it was time to open presents.

We had so many presents they filled half the room. My mom would kneel under the tree and tell us which pack was ours. The next 10 minutes was tearing gift paper off boxes as if we were savages. We would hardly unpack one Christmas present when mom would give us another one. In the end, we had a small pile of new toys and new clothes and was somehow in shock that we got what we wanted.

The week after Christmas was also special. It was the time of the year when we would visit family and friends that we have not seen all year. There was very little for us to do as children. We would just usually sit and eat the Christmas cake while the adults spoke. My brothers thought these visits were boring, but I thought they were exciting. I loved hearing the adults talk about their lives and what it was like when they were children.

One secret that I had was that on Christmas night when everyone was in bed, I would crawl out my window at about 3 am and sit under a tree with a candle. Then looking at the flickering light, I would sing some Christmas songs. This was my private tribute to Baby Jesus. It was just me in the dark. I always look back at this as a special moment I had.

When I got married, I moved to Denmark. They have done Christmas totally different.

I could never get used to Danish food. The Christmas meal consisted of roast pork, with potatoes, caramelized potatoes, red cabbage and plenty of brown gravy. For dessert, risalamande, a cold rice pudding dish, is served with a hot cherry sauce, traditionally with a whole almond hidden inside. The lucky finder of this almond is entitled to a small gift, which is traditionally a marzipan pig. It was just not the food I grew up with!

Another tradition was dancing around the Christmas tree. We would wait outside the room and a few would light the candles on the Christmas tree. Then we would all come in and say “wow” a few hundred times. Then we will stand around the Christmas tree, and walk around it while we sang Christmas songs. Some of these songs had 20 verses! Of course, we would stop in the middle of a song and discuss what the text should be. This could last more than 40 mins and something that I dreaded.

Compared to how my mother gave out Christmas presents, the way my family n law done it in Denmark was different. In Ireland, it took 10 minutes as my mom gave us all the presents at once. The Danish way was that someone would pick up a present. If your name was called, you got a Christmas hat on and a verse of poetry was read from the person who gave you presents. Then everyone watched as you carefully opened the Christmas present. After this, you gave the giver a hug and said thank you and picked up a present, where the next person did the same. This meant that opening presents took about 5 hours!

Christmas was saved because I had two children. I did the same tradition as my dad has done with me. On December 23, we would go down to the shops and look for a present for their mother. This was a special time for us. We would shop when thousands of other Dads also had the same idea. We would buy one present from all of us. These presents were from the heart as we really wanted to please their mom. After we found the present, we would eat a burger or something like that!

Things changed when I got a divorce. I tried spending the first Christmas with my x-wife and her family. It was a strange atmosphere and I felt like an intruder. I never have done that since.

I have become like Mr. Scrooge since. Christmas and December is just a month I have to survive.

There are a few things I do at Christmas, so I am not totally lost. One is that in December or January, I eat at some restaurant with my children. We call this our Christmas meal. This has become our small tradition and I figure they do not have to feel guilty if they spend Christmas with their mother, as we have had our own Christmas celebration.

At the Childs modeling agency where I work, Christmas starts just after summer, where the children model clothes for the Christmas that is coming. This is usually a hectic time, and it can also be a warm time to model Christmas clothes. However seeing the children in Christmas clothes, pajamas and so forth does create a Christmas atmosphere. We even play Christmas songs during the photoshoots.

I do not buy Christmas presents. I give my children and grandchildren some money. I do not eat Christmas dinner. I usually eat by myself and later during the night, I spend an hour or so with some friends.

So why am I suddenly a hater of Christmas?

I honestly think that Christmas has lost its meaning. It is like any other hallmark holiday such as Valentine's day or black Friday. Christmas is a time where we buy more than we can afford, eat more than we should, drink more than is good for us and get stressed with so many things we have to attend.

I was shocked this year when a TV station started showing Christmas films in October! This was a bit too much too soon. For me, Christmas should be celebrated in December. I simply do not understand why shops advertise for it so early and why we have to see Christmas films so early. To me, it is a way of some that want us to spend more money earlier than we usually spend it.

This means Christmas has become so commercial. You can really see this when people say Xmas. In reality, they are putting an “X” over the name of Jesus. It seems like they are telling us that the birth of Jesus means nothing. Let us forget all about that and buy and eat as much as we can.

I do not think Christmas is the most important time of the year. Personally I love Easter. It is a time when we can really celebrate something. Jesus died for our sins and rose again. This is also when we have spring, and we can see new life spring up all around us. Easter is more important than Christmas and yet not many people think that.

Christmas is a time for family, to meet old friends and peace. Am I a scrooge for thinking this should be all year?

**In the next part of “Open your Heart”. I will tell my thoughts of why I wrote "Kidnapped back home"**

**You are free to like this, comment it, bookmark it or send me a message.**

**Thank you**


	3. Kidnapped Back Home

“Kidnapped back home” was the first story that I wrote. Before you read this, I advise you to read the story. It can be found on my profile. 

I have always written small stories before, but now I wanted them to be in a collection. It's not because I think I am the best writer in the world. I have horrible spelling and my grammar lacks in so many places. I also don't like going in great detail, letting the readers imagination do that. I have little patience and this means my stories move quite quickly. Yes, I know my weak sides.

The benefit of writing stories is getting some thoughts on paper. It is good therapy. I must also admit it is good when people read the story, especially if the story touches them in some way. I suppose that the fact that most of my stories are about some hardships or trauma that a child experiences, then they could shock some people. Still, it is nice getting messages from readers telling how I made them think, and they would pray for any child that experienced the same.

In 2007, a three-year-old girl went missing while she and her parents were on holiday in Portugal. It is assumed that Madeleine Mcann was kidnapped. Millions of children go missing every year, and this is not just

Madeleine McCann's disappearance was international news. Never before has such a missing child got so much media attention. In a way, Maddie became the poster child for missing children. To be honest, I followed the news in detail and hoping that she would be found. Even 12 years later, we still hear about her. There has been a documentary on Netflix and the police are still looking for her.

No one knows what happened to her. Her parents were eating with friends close to their holiday flat and leaving their children alone. This was simply bad parenting. When they came back. Maddie was missing.   
Some think she was kidnapped and given to some parents as an illegal adoption.  
Some think she was kidnapped and trafficked in a pedophile ring.   
Some think she was molested by a stranger and was killed  
Some think that she had an accident while she was alone and her parents hid the body.   
The fact is that it could have been anything. It is a tragic story!

Let us say that Maddie was still alive and was found. What would it be like if she returned to her parents? Would she be so destroyed that she could not live a normal life? Would she even remember her parents? Most likely she would have mental problems. On top of all this, would the media and the public leave her alone? I would imagine that we would want to hear every detail!

We all wish that missing children would be found, but we never think what it would be like them for them to come back to their former life. It was this that inspired me to write “ Kidnapped back home”.

I admit that Madeline Mcann was the inspiration for this story. I hoped she was happily adopted and thought about what her life would be like when she came back to her family. I did not want to disrespect Maddie. I decided to write an original story about another girl that was kidnapped but found.

The strange thing was that I got a message, that there was a film that was similar. This disappointed me a bit as I thought I was so original. It also taught me a lesson. No matter what you write, there is a similar movie or book about it.

The girl in the story was kidnapped when she was a toddler. Unlike most kidnapped children, she was lucky because she lived with her new parents and they treated her very well. So you have a couple that was happy, but they know that their daughter was “stolen”. The daughter does not know she is kidnapped and she does not remember her birth parents. On top of all this, her birth parents live in despair in not knowing what happened to their daughter.

Everyone is happy when the daughter is found. This is short term as reality kicks in.

The media is everywhere when she is found and they won't leave the family or girl alone. This is hard on the girl who does not understand why the only parents she knows were found. Everyone was asking was she abused in any way. It was like they nearly expected or wanted her to have suffered. The fact that she lived a happy life did not stop them from assuming that she was not telling the whole story.

She could not remember her birth parents and did not remember being kidnapped. So in a way, she feels like she is being kidnapped from her happy family and being told that they were not their birth parents. Now her birth parents expect her to think the kidnappers were criminals and she should love them.

She was a victim once more in her life. She knew that the only parents she knew did something wrong, but she loved them. Now she was expected to hate them and remember her real parents. She was expected to live as if she never was kidnapped. She could not do this!

Imagine what it was like for her parents. They finally had their daughter back and expected they would continue their life. They did not expect her to forget them and they did not expect why she would still be loyal to her kidnappers. They could not see her confusion and they could not see her mental state.

There was a lack of empathy from the police, media, school and birth parents. They could not see that being found was a trauma for a girl that had no memory of being kidnapped. They could not see how sad and confused she was. They could not understand why she would not be happy being back home and love her birth parents.

A lack of empathy causes confusion and conflict.

This story was meant to make people think. How could anyone kidnap a child and especially to use as a sex slave or some other bad thing? Billions of dollars are made every year in the child trafficking industry. Why is there not an international debate, like the one we have on global warming? Why are these children forgotten after a few days in the news?

When a child is kidnapped, we do not understand that this will destroy so many people's lives. The children and their families.

Even when the child is found, the problems do not stop there.

So there could have films and books made about this subject. I hoped this story would raise awareness and make people think.

Maybe some take action.

**In the next part of “Open your Heart”. I will tell my thoughts of why I wrote "XBFF"**

**You are free to like this, comment it, bookmark it or send me a message.**

**Thank you**


	4. XBFF

My first story “Kidnapped back home” was a success. It had over 1500 readers on Wattpad. This surprised me as I never did consider myself a writer plus it was not a fantasy story, a love story or fanfiction. I wanted to write a new story. Once again I had things in my mind that I needed to express. I needed to put them in written words. 

I should mention that I wrote about 10 stories on Wattpad, but the last story I wrote there called “Accused” was obviously too much for them. My account was shut down. Even when I begged for a chance, and offered to delete the story, they said I was not welcome there. This confused me until a friend told me that some of my stories can be sad because they are written about children, and in some ways, they can reflect on what happens in reality, which would offend some people. 

I am glad I found this site. 

I think it is important to discuss some things that can be hard in real life. It is important that we can see where people are not respected or understood. It is important to know how some people suffer or are abused. There should be no censorship. Some stories should make people aware and make them think. 

This is one reason why I wrote “XBFF”. I advise you to look at my stories under my profile to read the story before you read my following thoughts about the story. 

The story is about two teenage friends. They are very different from each other and yet best friends. This friendship is challenged when one friend admits that he is gay. This causes a lot of reflection and social pressure that questions if there should be a friendship. The boy that is not gay considers being gay wrong and a sin. He cannot accept that his friend is gay. He is afraid others will think that he is gay if he is friends with the boy. 

The inspiration from the story comes from my childhood. I looked very feminine as a child and it did not help that I hated doing sports. I also spoke with a high pitched voice. I was teased and accused of being gay because of all this. Things became worse when I was seen sitting on a bench one day with a friend. Somehow this was proof that I was gay. This is something I do not understand until this day. When others teased me that I was gay, I ignored it and did not react to it. 

However, under the surface I was in turmoil and so sad. I was abused since I was 11. The short version of this was that I basically had a pimp that took pictures of me and rented me out. This meant that I did gay things. As I child, I always thought it was my fault. I could have said no. I did not know the power and the control that man had over me. This was the secret part of me. My family or friends did not know about the abuse. It was my secret. I knew that it was also wrong and a sin, but I blamed myself and did not have a lot of self-esteem. 

This stage of my life was confusing. I wondered if I was gay. It was emotional torture. Why did I never say no? At times my body would even like it while my mind would be in turmoil. It was only years later that I could see that it was not my fault. I was used and abused, and vulnerable. 

This was, of course, decades ago. It was more forbidden to be gay and a serious sin if you were Catholic. The confusing part for me is that I knew it was abuse, and yet at times I liked the attention and at times my body even like it. The problem was in my mind and the guilt I had. 

I remember when I studied to be a priest and we had to have a shrink evaluation. One of the results was that it said I had homosexual tendencies. I was so defensive and mad when I was told this. It could not be true! What would people think?

This confusion and guilt on being gay was the inspiration for writing XBFF. 

The fact that I used two teen boys makes it a “coming of age” story. The two boys are confronted with a dilemma, that is far different from the problems they had as children. They are confronted with the idea of being homosexual. 

Now if you didn't read the story, there may be spoilers now...

The thing about XBFF is that it is not original. A similar thing could have happened with so many teens. When one discovers what sexual orientation they have, there is so much confusion. This is even if the person is straight. It's a huge step to see girls in another way. It's so hard to know what to say to them and of course, we must look our best. 

Imagine the confusion if a teen found out he was gay. It is a huge secret that he could have if he stays in the closet. He could be asking himself why has he feelings towards other boys. If he comes from a religious background, then he could have guilt and shame. The worse is that he will always be careful to hide this side of him, and hope others do not find out. 

XBFF is about the gift of friendship and how important it is. It is about a boy telling his friend that he is gay. This pushes the friendship to its limits. The main thing we can see is that fear takes over. The “straight” friend judges his best friend because he revealed he is gay and is afraid that he will get the same “disease”. He is also afraid of what others will say if they found out that he is friends with a gay person. 

What the gay friend needs are someone to open up with and to tell his deepest secret. He does not need to be judged or shunned away! He needs someone to understand him and accept him for who he is. 

This is what is needed in society. Gay people do not hurt each other. They simply are attracted to the person of the same sex, and it is adult and consensual.

The world would be a better place if we did not judge each other.


End file.
